Thoughts From MY Cluttered Mind offers positive angles to the issue that faces those with mental illness. Living with Bipolar Disorder myself and being able to share my experiences with others, is the best way I know how to pay it forward. Life can be difficult, my goal is to bring a bit of hope to a place where many feel there is none.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Therapy Game

Vincent van Gogh, The Starry Night. Oil on can...

Vincent van Gogh, The Starry Night. Oil on canvas, 73×92 cm, 28¾×36¼ in. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been in and out of therapy for almost 20 years, it seems like a long time but when I look back it doesn’t seem like I have accomplished much. I am not sure where I would begin to explain the number of doctors I have had and the diagnosis they have tried to give me and the bizarre personalities that made me wonder if I was the one who was sick, or was it them. 

I have had doctors that were more interested in their insurance forms than in me. I had a psychiatrist who, while I sat there in front of him, filled out the insurance forms and casually asked how I was doing and if my medications were working.  I didn’t stay with him long and ultimately stopped taking all my medications because I felt I was better off on my own than putting up with him.  I never heard from him after I missed a couple appointments, so I guess he didn’t miss me and the insurance money I brought him. 

Psychologist/therapists I have had a little more luck with, but not much.  I had one who tried to convince me I had multiple personalities.  While it is true I do tend to dissociate at times, I do not have multiple personalities.  My PTSD shows it ugly head sometimes and I would much rather hide within myself than face the nightmares it brings me. 

My favorite was the psychologist I saw that felt if I simply stopped thinking about Bipolar Disorder I would be fine.  Mind over matter he said, and if I did not agree he would lecture me on why I was not taking this seriously.   I walked on that one too. 

Several months ago I decided to go back into therapy after a long mixed episode and in the end it has brought me more stress than anything.  I have been through three of them in the last month, each telling me the same thing – “we don’t have the capabilities to help you right now.”  I am dumbfounded by this really.  If they go to school to become Psychologists, why can they not help?  I understand some may specialize in certain disorders, but I have been passed around as to “sick.”

Today I have come to the conclusion that doctors may not be all that helpful.  I may be better on my own, talking with others like me in forums, reading books and writing.  I think that being with those who truly understand is better than sitting in a room with someone who learned what he/she knows from a book. 

Just a thought……….

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