Vincent van Gogh, The Starry Night. Oil on canvas, 73×92 cm, 28¾×36¼ in. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I have been in and out of therapy for almost 20 years, it seems like a long time but when I look back it doesn’t seem like I have accomplished much. I am not sure where I would begin to explain the number of doctors I have had and the diagnosis they have tried to give me and the bizarre personalities that made me wonder if I was the one who was sick, or was it them.
I have had doctors that were more interested in their insurance forms than in me. I had a psychiatrist who, while I sat there in front of him, filled out the insurance forms and casually asked how I was doing and if my medications were working. I didn’t stay with him long and ultimately stopped taking all my medications because I felt I was better off on my own than putting up with him. I never heard from him after I missed a couple appointments, so I guess he didn’t miss me and the insurance money I brought him.
Psychologist/therapists I have had a little more luck with, but not much. I had one who tried to convince me I had multiple personalities. While it is true I do tend to dissociate at times, I do not have multiple personalities. My PTSD shows it ugly head sometimes and I would much rather hide within myself than face the nightmares it brings me.
My favorite was the psychologist I saw that felt if I simply stopped thinking about Bipolar Disorder I would be fine. Mind over matter he said, and if I did not agree he would lecture me on why I was not taking this seriously. I walked on that one too.
Several months ago I decided to go back into therapy after a long mixed episode and in the end it has brought me more stress than anything. I have been through three of them in the last month, each telling me the same thing – “we don’t have the capabilities to help you right now.” I am dumbfounded by this really. If they go to school to become Psychologists, why can they not help? I understand some may specialize in certain disorders, but I have been passed around as to “sick.”
Today I have come to the conclusion that doctors may not be all that helpful. I may be better on my own, talking with others like me in forums, reading books and writing. I think that being with those who truly understand is better than sitting in a room with someone who learned what he/she knows from a book.
Just a thought……….