Thoughts From MY Cluttered Mind offers positive angles to the issue that faces those with mental illness. Living with Bipolar Disorder myself and being able to share my experiences with others, is the best way I know how to pay it forward. Life can be difficult, my goal is to bring a bit of hope to a place where many feel there is none.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Beginning at the End

It’s the age old story, one we have heart a million time – “my kids are grown, what do I do now?  Who am I? and Where do I belong? 

From the time we are little we hear our parents, more often it’s mom, talking of the things they will do when the youngest graduates high school and heads off to college.  There will be trips and parties, lazy weekends and days spent in the garden, just wait and see.  Sounds amazing and I couldn’t wait to reach that time of life myself, to discover who I was.

It actually snuck upon me, I knew it was coming, the days ticking by, but it was my subconscious that seemed to be in denial.  It couldn’t be the end, there was a lot to do. Soccer season wasn’t over yet banquets to be attended, exams to take and graduation was surely weeks away – right?

The calendar displayed the ugly truth it was time.  There were no days left, no more grade school parties, first dance, nervousness about how they will be accepted in high school.  No, now it was time to reflect on where we had been and how we got here so quickly, how the future suddenly became today. 

The story I heard growing up was suddenly a reality for me, and I am confused, lost in a land, I am not familiar with.  The world revolves around ME.  What I am not sure about, however, is who am I?  Who did I want to be all those years ago before I became a mom?  I wonder if she’s still around, lurking in the shadows unsure of what to do next.  

I see this now as becoming reacquainted with an old friend, someone I knew as a child, but lost touch with over the year’s.  I wonder if we are compatible, can spend time together and laugh at each other's jokes.  On the other hand, have we grown to far apart, each finding a new road to travel.  

What I do know if I am looking forward to this new life, trying to find my way in a world, I am no longer familiar with.  A world where I am not mom, but a person with ideas, thoughts, aspiration and dreams.  Will I fit in and be able to navigate - only time will tell?  

I am ready for the journey, just need to find my map.