Thoughts From MY Cluttered Mind offers positive angles to the issue that faces those with mental illness. Living with Bipolar Disorder myself and being able to share my experiences with others, is the best way I know how to pay it forward. Life can be difficult, my goal is to bring a bit of hope to a place where many feel there is none.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Uncertainty of Life - The Mind Struggles

A potential long fall stopped by an early guardrail, ca. 1920.  Guardrails, median barriers, or other physical objects can help reduce the consequences of an accident or minimize damage.Image via Wikipedia

An addition to what I posted earlier today - I attended the viewing of my friend's mom's funeral this evening. We have all created such a bond, being there for each other is a comfort. Then I came home and checked my email - the news sent me into a downward spiral - I could only sit and cry. Another friend of ours, lost her husband in a car accident Friday night. The viewing will be Friday night. I am at the end of my rope right now, I did not have the time to call my doctor today - tomorrow I will be on the phone first thing. I can not take much more. Continue reading below for today's original post.

I received the news late Sunday night, a friend’s mom passed away suddenly – only a day after attending her grandson’s graduation.

For those of us who knew her, it is difficult to accept just knowing she will not be around. She was a large part of our high school years; we were looking forward to sharing a band reunion with her in August. Instead, we will spend time remembering our “second mom,” her devotion to us “impossible teenagers.”

When I checked the newspaper for the obituary, I discovered another friend’s father had passed away, what affected me about this one was – yet another person I knew had lost a loved one.

Since October 2006, I have attended 8 viewings/funerals. It began with my brother-in-law in October 2006, at the young age of 31 passed away suddenly after a stroke. Two months later, I took my daughter and her friends to the viewing/funeral of a friend of theirs who had been killed in a car accident the day after Christmas. In May of 2007, I attended the viewing of a friend’s mom, the next day attending a viewing of a friend from high school (the same day attending the Baptism of my nephew, who was named after my brother-in-law) Fast forward to 2008, attending the viewing/funeral of a friend’s dad in March, a viewing of my youngest daughter’s friend’s dad only 2 weeks ago, now will attend two viewings this week.

Personally I have had enough! I understand it is a process of life, it is God’s plan for us to stay on this earth for only a short time, but I’m tired. Maybe it’s the realization that I am getting “older,” and fragility of life is becoming more evident. When my oldest daughter became engaged last week, then gradated from high school last night it hit me that time has passed by so quickly and with each day the uncertainty of life becomes more of a reality.

I believe it is a mental challenge right now, as well as a faith challenge. Trying to understand God’s hand in all this and doing my best to trust that this all part of a greater plan for all of us. In the midst of that, I struggle to keep my mind focused – instead I simply want to sit and hide from the world. I contemplated calling my doctor this morning, asking for a refill of my anxiety meds – but have yet to dial the phone. Do I need to rely on the meds? I am tired enough right now, physically and mentally – the meds would only make me more tired, not sure how that would help. I have fought so hard to maintain my illness with minimal medication, I take only 2 now – the third for anxiety I try to avoid, but at times like these I wonder if I am doing more harm than good. I know the reality of this illness; I’ve been down this road too many times.

When I attend the viewing tonight I know the emotions will get the best of me, and the next couple days are sure to be a challenge. Will I call my doctor? Probably – though I want to fight this on my own, I am a realist and know that I need it sometimes – the alternative is not an option.
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