The end of the year has always been a time for me to go over in my mind the events of the last year, where I am now as opposed to where I may have been a couple years ago – especially when it comes to my Bipolar.
There is the part of me that knows I am doing better, I am not as lost in the cloud as I once was, my medication keeps me pretty stable and the fact that I now take it regularly helps also. However, it does not completely stop the depression and sadness that stubbornly finds its way into my life.
The holidays mean loneliness for me in its most extreme form. I see families at church, out shopping, or even talking on the phone and I long for the feelings that I see there. Even though my family consists of myself and three brothers, with my mom – I am alone. My two older brothers have not really been part of the family for some time, my younger brother recently told me to no longer contact him, and he was having family problems and didn’t need added distraction.
This only a week before Christmas and I am fighting with all I have to stay on an even keel. Medication helps, I do have my anxiety meds if I need it – but in the end it only covers up what hurts the most, loneliness, sadness and realization that the Christmas Card family picture will not exist – the past will remain there and only a memory and a part of life that will forever haunt me.
Many will tell me that what is most important is forming a family now and making those memories, I agree – however, when you want to return “home” where you go when no one will admit you even exist.
The pain exist, but I am working to look beyond it and surround myself with things that will help stabilize my mood – though I have found myself alone more and sleeping too much.
For those who understand – the holidays, with all their lights and joy, hold in the shadows sadness and disappointment.