Thoughts From MY Cluttered Mind offers positive angles to the issue that faces those with mental illness. Living with Bipolar Disorder myself and being able to share my experiences with others, is the best way I know how to pay it forward. Life can be difficult, my goal is to bring a bit of hope to a place where many feel there is none.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

A Beginning

What was, what is to come. I can’t imagine where I was a year ago, two years ago, 10 years ago. My life, life in itself was a crisis - not even sure I would make it through the next, but I did and here I am today. I am stronger and healthier with more hope and promise than I’ve ever had before. New Year’s is different now, I’ve felt the change coming on. I’ve never been one to the take age into account for anything, we are who we are no matter what. Though part of me still believes that and there is part of me that probably always will, I’m beginning and starting to feel old. I’m feeling like I’m part of a real world, the real world. I’m not hiding anymore in a fantasy world that doesn’t exist. In a world that I created for myself over the years. In that world I’m alone, I’m afraid. I exist merely to be a presence but not anything real. In my world, this world I created I kept myself where I could not possibly be available to anyone, let alone myself. In 7 months, 4 days, 15 hours and 25 mins I will be 40 years old. It’s a mile stone I guess you could say - it is a point in my life that I’m not sure I ever thought I’d see. I realized that I have a life, that I’m real and that I’m alive. This sudden realization that I am alive is amazing, the hard part is not being able to share it with anyone. At least no one here, they wouldn’t understand. It’s something that people who have not experienced true fear and pain in their lives, experienced abuse, being treated as nothing more than a being - not really a person, could understand. To feel really live is something that brings a new meaning to life. I can’t really explain it - but those who know, will know what I mean. A new year, new faith, new strength, a new heart to hear a new life and the promise of tomorrow.